This Birth that we call Death

It is now over a week since Sharon's funeral. How long is it since her husband Michael died? Mere weeks. So many are leaving us. When Lisa announced in Relief Society that another sister had passed away my immediate thought was that it would be Margaret, Sharon's mother. She is the one undergoing treatment for cancer. She looks so frail. Sharon was just starting to pick herself up again. It wasn't that long ago that I'd been talking to her in Blackburn market when she was telling me that people kept trying to urge her to look for someone else and she was saying it was too soon. I told her to wait until she was ready, that she hadn't had enough time to grieve for Michael yet and for people to push her into going to single adult activities to look for a date was insensitive. It had even been suggested that she could go back to the guy before Michael who had two timed her when she was engaged to him! She's worth more than that and so is Michael's memory.

Lisa could see that I was shocked when she made the announcement about Sharon - Myrra had already known but forgotten to tell me so Lisa thought I already knew. How could she forget a thing like that? After the initial shock my first thought was that she would be back with Michael again, sealed together for eternity and both free from the physical difficulties which had been their challenges in life. I could see them happy and free from the restrictions of mortality. I can feel sorrow for Ken and Margaret in losing their daughter, and sorrow for Pearl and her children in losing the sister and aunt that they love, but I cannot feel sorrow for Sharon only happiness for her that she made it. She and Michael together are on their way home. I bet he's a terrific missionary in the spirit world. I wonder if he's met up with Peter there? I imagine Sharon with a beautiful singing voice training choirs of angels.

The funeral was last Thursday and it's taken a week for me to get around to writing something and I'm still struggling to get my thoughts into something coherent. Lisa gave a talk which was compiled by Margaret, the thoughts of a mother - her memories of Sharon as a baby and as a little girl, all the mischievous things she used to get up to. I can easily imagine that with her cheeky grin. She always seemed to be laughing and giggling about something. Nathaniel and Heather, Pearl's children both gave little talks again as they had done about their uncle Michael. It must be so hard for them to lose the aunt they love so soon after their uncle. Sharon spoiled them rotten.

All the material things in life just seem so unimportant compared to getting there. Getting there is what really matters and for that I envy Michael and Sharon because they've made it. Their struggle is over. For the rest of us ours still goes on.

All of the funerals recently have somehow strengthened my testimony of the Gospel though and continually assured me that death is not an end but just the beginning of the next bit. It's so hard being stuck in this bit not knowing what the next bit holds but knowing that there IS a next bit is sometimes all that matters.

Mixed Emotions

The past couple of weeks have been a turmoil of emotions for me, so much so that I haven't been able to even think of writing anything in my blogs. I have hardly even visited any of the forums I normally frequent. In fact the only one which does seem to have interested me has been the LDS forum which has interesting gospel topics under discussion. Getting involved in those has somehow helped.

I have entered into the challenge to read the Book of Mormon in 97 days in remembrance of President Hinckley, one day for each year of his life. I have made myself read something every day even though this past fortnight has been harder to keep reading and I have fallen behind schedule, but have been catching up again and am almost on track. I'm in Mosiah at the moment reading about Alma and the sons of Mosiah. The part about Abinadi was so engrossing that it was easy to read more and get more involved in it.

A big argument on the day before Mother's Day left me feeling desperate but out of it came time spent with Emma where we talked about lots of things which may not otherwise have been discussed. It has been so very difficult to get through these last days but I have somehow managed to keep going.

Bishop came up with an odd thing whilst he was talking to me. He actually said that he didn't know what he was talking about and making it up as he went along but it sounded good. He called it 'mental judo instead of mental karate'. Karate is about aggression and destroying things but judo is about defense and just fending off the blows. He said I should practice mental judo and it actually does seem to work.

I said I wouldn't cry!

I was so sure that I would not cry at Sandra's funeral on Friday, yet I sat there with tears streaming down my face.

Lisa gave a beautiful talk on what a lovely lady Sandra was, how she never spoke ill of anyone and how much the children in nursery loved her and will miss her. I'm so glad to have known Sandra. She taught me such a lot. I wouldn't say that she never had a bad word to say for anyone. She could be quite stubborn at times and certainly enjoyed a good natured grumble at the nurses in the hospital. She endured a great deal of suffering and she did so with dignity. For her sake I should be happy that she has made it through the trial of this life and retained her testimony if the Gospel until the end. I'm really going to miss her though and feel like I took her friendship for granted whilst she was here.

The church was packed again, this time with so many non-members whose lives she had touched. Phil from the dance class was there. Such a small world. When I spoke to her on Saturday she explained that she knew Sandra through the school where she had been involved as Brian was a governor.

The boys looked devastated. They will miss her so much. I know there were times they used to torment the life out of her but their love and grief is undeniable.

Sister Frohock had arranged that the Relief Society sisters would stand as a guard of honour as the coffin was brought in, and the Relief Society Presidency each held a yellow tulip as yellow roses were Sandra's favourite flower but she couldn't get any roses so got tulips in the same colour instead.

It's been such an emotional couple of weeks and I still find myself in tears for different reasons. I don't know if I can be as strong as Jenny and Sandra and stay immovable in my faith when things come along which knock me sideways. They were and are two lovely sisters. Not perfect, no-one ever is apart from the Saviour, but as close as it gets and an example to me of something I can try to live up to.

It's been a very emotional couple of days. Jennie's funeral yesterday was a mixture of joy and sorrow. I didn't think I would cry. In fact I was fairly sure I wouldn't cry. Jennie had a long and fulfilled live, faithful to her beliefs and to her Saviour, devoted to her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren and loved by everyone who knew her. Many times she had spoken of how she missed Arthur and looked forward to being re-united with him one day.

When she moved away to live with Arthur Jnr it was a wrench. She was a tiny little woman but she seemed to leave a huge hole in the Ward when she left. Yet she was always there at the end of a telephone line or an email in my in box. In fact I'd had an email from her only days ago where she talked about watching President Hinckley's funeral and bearing her testimony of Thomas S. Monson as our new President. I don't want to remove her name from my address book yet but I know I can never email her again.

The funeral was lovely with a beautiful musical item by members of her family and a lovely poem.

Miss Me -- But Let Me Go

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little--but not too long
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me--but let me go.

For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone.
It's all a part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss Me--But Let me Go!

How beautiful, and how like Jennie that sounds. Arthur Jnr gave a lovely talk,very personal and very moving, describing how she slipped gently from this life to the next. There were tears for the mother he loves and will obviously miss but strength and assurance too in knowing where she has gone and that she will have been met there by his father who went before. He said she asked to be helped to sit up. He offered to give her a blessing but she shook her head and waved her finger to refuse - she knew the time had come to leave and nothing should be done to keep her here. Then quietly and peacefuly she slipped away.

Bro Walsh gave a talk. He told how Jennie had previously told him that she wanted him to speak at her funeral and had even asked him if he'd prepared what he was going to say! How like Jennie. How practical to want to sort things out in advance. He spoke of how he first met her only a few years ago but how they both knew that they had met before in the Pre-existence and how they knew they woukd find each other one earth and recognise that.

I thought about Peter and wondered if he would have met Jennie yet 'up there' - then I found myself, as I often do, shedding a tear because I still miss him and asking why Jennie and Arthur had so many years together and Peter and I had so few by comparison.

Then I felt Peter asking if I'd been listening to Bernard - Bro Walsh - about him meeting Jennie before they came to earth. He told me that we had met Geoff before, that he had known he would not be born into a church family and that Peter had known that we would find the Gospel. He had promised Geoff that we would find him and bring him home. He told me he had to leave so that that could happen. In her Patriarchal blessing Myrra is told that she is to be an example to Geoff. Peter has left us with that responsibility and it is up to us to fulfill it for him, that is why he had to leave when he did.

He'd had the same vision on two previous occasions of somewhere he would go when he left this life. There was a big building. He said it reminded him of the 'great and spacious building' of Lehi's vision. He was preaching the gospel to the people who were in different rooms in this building but he'd twice been told 'not yet' and to return here. Then finally it was the right time and he willingly went even though he did not want to leave us. He'd hoped to see the girls grow up and get married. We'd hoped to serve a mission together as a retired couple. That was not to be. We watched a home movie where Peter said to Emma that he would show the film to her boyfriend when she was 21. But he isn't here to do that. He thought he would be. He didn't expect to have to go so soon.

After we had watched that home movie in our family home evening I was again saddened that he didn't get to see his girls grow up, but again he assured me that he had to leave so that we could fulfill those promises that we had made in the pre-existence, but not just to Geoff. In the building there are people locked inside rooms that they can only unlock from the inside but they have no keys. Here in this life we have the keys they need by performing baptisms on their behalf - then the key can be passed to them and they can accept it and unlock the door from the inside and come out of their prison and join Lehi and his family on the path holding onto the iron rod. Some of the people inside some of those rooms are Geoff's family. They are waiting. Peter has done all he can do on his side by teaching them and now they are waiting for their keys. How else would they get those keys if we didn't know about them? He is keeping his side of the promise and here it is up to us to strive to keep ours.

I was so blessed to find Peter and to have those precious years with him here. He was a wonderful missionary and I'm sure he's still doing a great job. I need to constantly pray for strength to do my part.

Whilst at Jennie's funeral we heard that Sandra had passed away. Her funeral will be on Friday. So many in such a short time. Brian and the boys will be devastated but Sandra, bless her, will be at peace from all the suffering she has endured these long months in fighting that cancer and especially the chemo. She too never lost her faith and right to the end was wanting to be able to come to church again. She missed her calling in nursery. She will be a wonderful person in the eternities and I imagine there will be many who won't recognise her because they never saw her for who she really was when she was here.

a Wonderful Weekend

Saturday

Yesterday was the first Saturday in quite a while where Em hasn't had a dance class so Geoff and I didn't have to rush off to Blackburn first thing. In fact we had quite a leisurely start to the day, went into town and did a couple of errands, then had lunch together and then checked out the locations for a job he had in the evening. We got back home about 4pm. It was just so nice to have the free time to spend with each other.

The girls had gone out in the afternoon with friends, including Ruth who is over from France on a short visit, and gone to the cinema. I was a little concerned that Myrra might be cutting it fine for getting back because she'd promised to come with me to Burnley in the early evening to a baptism. So Geoff went to meet them on the way back from the cinema as soon as the film finished and bring them home. Then he took Myrra and I over to Burnley for the baptism.

I felt really so excited about this. The lady being baptised is someone I 'met' on a message forum online and who I had never met in person but having talked to her on the forum and in messages back and forth I feel like I've got to know her and it was just so thrilling that she made the decision to get baptised.

When we got there people asked us if we were members of her family - we smiled and said no. The missionaries knew we weren't members of the Ward and I explained that we were members of Blackburn Ward. So of course they asked how we met her and it seemed really funny to say that we'd never even met - and then to explain about the message forum! Some of the people there used to be from Blackburn Ward and were surprised to see us. We were able to update them on all that has happened since they moved.

But the best part of all beyond any doubt was the baptism itself. Such a beautiful spirit and such a lovely lady. I always enjoy baptisms and this was no exception, unless you consider that it was possibly so exciting because Michele had found her own way back to the Gospel and taken such a big step, as she has a phobia of water. It went without a hitch. Two of the loveliest people in the world gave talks which were obviously sincere and from the heart, about faith, repentance and baptism. David Eastwood performed the baptism and one of the missionary elders played some beautiful hymn music on the violin. I can only imagine how Michele herself must have been feeling because I was on a spiritual high.

Sunday

Today I'd been asked to read something in the Sunday School class. That in itself was not unusual and what I'd been asked to read aloud is something I have read so many times before but as I prayerfully read through it at home it had such an impact on me. The verses are known as the Psalm of Nephi . I felt a great insight into Nephi's personality and character. He regrets his anger towards the brothers who had fought against him, who had tied him up, who had rebelled, who had tried to kill him. Despite all the struggles he had he retained a wonderfully powerful testimony of the Lord and knew he was loved and guided. I felt so moved reading out those words to the class. I would love to be able to be like Nephi.

In Sacrament Meeting we had visiting speakers, a missionary couple who were introducing 3 courses (with manuals) for strengthening home and family. They sound wonderful. They are really an answer to prayer. The sister said the one for parents is really the manual everyone wishes they'd been issued with when the first had a baby. The one for married couples and the one for families sound really exciting and extremely helpful, with lots of good stuff to work on. Geoff was really interested too. It all just looks at things from an LDS perspective instead of from a world's perspective which many times can be contrary to the Gospel.

I'm excited about when the courses will start in our Ward. I definitely want to go even if Geoff can't due to work commitments or whatever.

The third one is about overcoming addictions and on the face of it that may not seem relevant until you look at the bigger picture and see that addictions can be more than tobacco, drugs and alcohol but can include over eating or comfort eating, or even spending far too much time doing things like watching TV or reading. I think I could be a sudoku addict because if I don't do at least a little bit of a challenge each day then it's almost like having withdrawal symptoms.

And how about the internet? Am I addicted to message forums? Do they take up far too much of my time? Even the addiction course will be beneficial I think.

Geoff was talking about the whole thing on the way home in the car, with particular reference to the bit about anger and getting annoyed with people. I'm very good at losing my cool with the kids and saying 'you make me so angry' which is not strictly accurate as it is ME. I make myself angry. This will be good to work on and I'm looking forward to it.

The whole thing tied in with what Wendy was teaching in the Sunday School class about how we react with others and how not reacting angrily actually changed the attitude of a person she was angry with.

It all seems like answers to prayers which I have been praying for a long time - finally the answers have come in the Lord's way when I am ready for it.

Not enough hours in the day!

Wow! what with teaching Seminary, even if only to one pupil, taking up the challenge to read the Book of Mormon in 97 days in tribute to the 97 years of President Hinckley's life, studying the Relief Society lessons and the scriptures for the Sunday School lessons, including an assignment I have for next Sunday to participate in the class, there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day to do other basic things like eat, wash and clean up!

This morning Myrra wasn't at college so she helped me to tidy and vacuum the dining room which was a big help but we took all morning and there is still stuff to be done. It also meant that this morning I spent literally no time at all studying the Flash8 tutorials. Steve expects us to be up to section 21 by next Wednesday from just getting the tutorial last Wednesday! Some of the video tutorials last half an hour and the guy who recorded them says you need to practice the technique several times before you can really get to understand it. I just haven't got enough hours in the day to do that.

I'm ending up skipping through things without even trying them out myself and I know I will never remember them that way. It's probably a good thing that after the next 2 official lessons it will just be a case of working alone and dropping in on Fridays as and when necessary. Then I will work at my own pace and make sure I know something thoroughly before I try moving on to something else. As long as I pop in now and again to make sure he's still there and available to talk to if I have a query I think that will work out much better. I do want to be able to do this line dancing website but I need to know what is possible before I dive in and make things that don't work. At present it's all just going into my brain and straight out again.

Semi-Seminary Teacher!

With the previous Seminary teacher having been called onto the Bishopric he has been released as a teacher. The new stand-in teacher is unable to collect Myrra by car in the mornings to go to the class, due to health reasons, and at that hour of the morning it isn't safe for her to walk down there alone. The alternative possibilities would be:
a) to drop out, which would be a crying shame after all she's done and this being her third year
b) to do home study which with her other pressures of extra English and maths lessons at college would put her under a great deal of pressure and have more of a negative effect
c) me to stand in as her seminary teacher and conduct the lessons at the same time each morning but here in our own home with just a class of one.

We opted for the third option.

The course of study is The Old Testament which can be pretty heavy going but I think I'm going to gain a lot from it too. So far we've had 3 lessons and I think it's working out pretty well.